I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
