I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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