its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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