it wasn't lemon gatorade
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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