dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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