so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
