My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
