1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
