I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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