Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
