She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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