i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
