I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
