Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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