i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
