You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
