Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
