so that wasnt chicken after all
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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