Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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