my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize