If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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