Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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