The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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