Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
