I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
my sisters under your porch take her home
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
