carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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