I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
