Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
