Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
