There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
