I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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