Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
