I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
