First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
