Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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