I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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