I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Randomize
