I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
