My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
