Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
