Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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