So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
