I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
