I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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