so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
