i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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