I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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