i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
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Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
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You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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