Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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