I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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