Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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