Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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