he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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