we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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