i already hear my dad disowning me
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
