you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
